The Ghost of Middle School
Think back to your first day of middle school or high school.
Remember that intense, knot-in-your-stomach desire to just blend in? You walked the halls feeling like you were balancing on the edge of a knife. If you said something a little too out of left field, wore the wrong thing, or raised your hand at the wrong time, you risked looking stupid. You risked being labeled or worse, completely dismissed from potential friendship circles.
So, you played it safe, at least until you could find some others that would give you some confirmation of acceptance.
We think we grow out of that, but that feeling never truly goes away. Even as we become adults, build careers, and establish ourselves, we carry that same terror of looking foolish. We become successful, yet we still hold back from pushing beyond our "safe zone" because of that nagging question: What if it doesn't work out?
Only now, we tell ourselves the stakes are much higher than a reputation hit in a school hallway. But are they?
The feeling of potential disappointment in ourselves is such a heavy burden that we will do just about anything to avoid it, including never even trying to begin with. We build a mountain of "what-ifs" to give us justification for staying put:
Want to lose weight and finally look and feel the way you’ve always wanted? Sure, but what if you can’t stick to it? Might as well not even attempt it because failing would just prove you can't do it.
Want to apply for that new role, do something you’re passionate about, and actually feel alive when you start the day? Yeah, but what if you aren't qualified enough? What if you trip over their interview questions? Ugh, safer to just not apply.
Want to help people through challenging situations and provide a service that makes an impact? Well, what if people don't find value in it? What if they question your advice and think you're a fraud?
I know that last one all too well.
The fear of failure is something we all face, but the irony is that in trying to protect ourselves from temporary embarrassment, we end up doing nothing and create a mountain of permanent regret. We weigh the potential risks and determine that, if we're being realistic, it's better to never try because it will likely not work out.
Therein lies the massive flaw in how we view the risks of starting something new.
Separation of Self
Despite all the maturity and confidence we stack up as adults, we still handle failure the exact same way we did in the eighth grade: as a direct hit to our identity. If you strip away the corporate titles and the life experience, the adult version of us is still terrifyingly similar to the middle school version, treating a simple mistake like a final judgment on our worth.
The reality is that every single person you look up to got good by being incredibly bad at it first. And most of them failed in spectacular fashion right in front of an audience.
Whenever that happens to me, it feels like I'm trying to make a graceful entrance into a party filled with highly successful people, only to immediately trip and crash over multiple coffee tables in a row. Oh, the embarrassment.
But what if, after the fourth fall, I somehow stuck a perfect backflip? You probably wouldn't forget the tumbling, but you’d definitely remember the backflip. Even today, in a world where every single stumble is recorded and broadcast for the entire internet to witness, that backflip is still going to be epic.
The problem is that most people look at that first coffee table, decide the fall is too risky, and miss out on the epic ending entirely. After all... what if there is no backflip?! So the cycle repeats, and we never do anything worth remembering, all because we’re too busy protecting our ego.
Now, let’s be entirely clear: I’m not saying those coffee table falls feel great. It’s embarrassing, it’s deeply uncomfortable, and it genuinely hurts. But the final outcome is always worth it when you're anchored by the right drive and purpose. Building that relentless mindset turns the entire game on its head. It means every single failure turns into just a new piece of information.
The flip side, though, is much worse. When you avoid the risk just to keep from looking stupid, you aren’t actually saving yourself from anything. You’re just trading a few minutes of embarrassment for a lifetime of wondering 'what if.' The things you don't even try are the ones that actually keep you up at night.
How to De-Risk the Start This Week
Truth be told, I'm a risk-averse person. I always overthink things, especially decisions that might have some potential for failure. As the saying goes: "fail to plan, plan to fail". So If you are sitting on a project or an idea right now because you’re terrified of it tanking, here is how you shrink it down to size:
Reduce it to something tiny: Stop trying to launch the final masterpiece on day one. If you want to make a massive career change, don't just close your laptop and quit your job today. Go have a 20-minute coffee conversation with someone that has already made the leap. If you have a massive business idea, don't build create a huge pile of financial debt to build all of the infrastructure; just put a one-page summary in front of three people. Shrink the step until it's too small to hurt you.
Pre-program your next move: Before you even test the waters, decide exactly what you will do if it goes poorly. Ask yourself: If this fails, what is the next small task I can do right after? Once you have a backup, the worst-case scenario stops being such a giant doomsday inducing thought.
If you take nothing away from this article, I'll leave you with this: just get moving. Sitting around will never ever change your situation or circumstances. In fact, if you do nothing, you forfeit your right to complain.
Go Deeper Into This Persona
This is the second installment in our series on the Eight Excuse Personas; the specific stories we tell ourselves to stay completely stuck and frustrated.
This specific persona, the one paralyzed by the fear of failing, is the most common one we battle on a day-to-day basis. I break down all eight of these psychological traps, along with a concrete 30-day action plan for each, in my book The Excuse Index.
If you are ready to stop letting hypothetical failures dictate your real-world progress, you can grab your copy here: 👉 Get Your Copy of The Excuse Index on Amazon
I also shot a quick 3-minute video breaking down exactly how to stop playing out embarrassing scenarios in your head so you can finally start. You can watch that breakdown here.
